I’m so bad at cooking that it’s actually hilarious. So someone please explain to me how I just made the most delicious steak fajitas that I’ve ever had in my life. It’s not even like I concentrated hard on it. I looked up recipes online, decided they were too complicated, completely ignored them, threw stuff on a steak and then I was done.
Um. So if you want to have some delicious fajitas? Here you go.
What you'll need:
• 1 steak (durr)
• 1 frying pan
• 1 oven
• 1 fork
• 1 knife
• Some olive oil
• Crushed red pepper, california garlic, black pepper (I used a 4 seasons kind), and salt. (Note: If you don't have the garlic or the crushed red pepper you can just choose whatever spices you think will work. That's basically what I did and that's why those two are on the list. I'm sure you'd be fine with just the salt and pepper if it's all you have.)
• 1 jalapeño pepper
• About half a bell pepper
• Some bitchin' hot sauce
• A couple of lettuce slices (are those called slices? I feel like they should be called wings. Don't you think they should be called wings? THEY TOTALLY SHOULD.)
• A couple of lettuce wings
• Like 70 soft taco shells depending on how many fajitas you want to make. I recommend 70.
• Like 4 plates
• Some water for after every single bite because oh my god it's hot (but in a delicious way.)
How to do it (Not that. Gross. Shut up.):
First of all if you’re wondering what cut of steak I used? The steak kind. The steak kind of cut. The cut where it looks like a steak. I took that steak cut of steak and let it defrost in the fridge for like a day or so until it was soft and awesome and no longer made of cement.
I sprinkled one side with salt, crushed red pepper, california garlic, crushed black pepper, and some seeds from a fresh jalapeño pepper that I’d just gutted. Then I took my fork* and pressed the stuff into the steak lightly. (*A fork, for you non-culinary experts, is a tool that some more advanced humans use for eating. It’s trickier than just throwing food directly into your mouth, but also less messy.)
Then I put some olive oil in a frying pan and set it to medium heat (and opened a window, took my fire alarm out, and turned on a fan) and then started chopping up lettuce and some peppers (bell and jalapeño.)
Once the pan started to smoke a teensy tiny bit, I forked the steak (seasoned side first) onto the pan. And I mean literally at the first sign of any tiny bit of smoke. So you should probably watch the pan carefully because if you’re like me you probably forgot that you were cooking and then a few hours passed and all of a sudden you’re wondering why you smell smoke and why there’s ash everywhere and also where your house went. Oh, and just a note: If you use as much oil as I do (I use about 15 gallons per item of food give or take) you might want to put on a sweatshirt you don’t mind getting dirty, because the oil is going to splash out at your hands. And it will hurt.
While the steak is being super rude and loud and stuff, take your spices and season the other side. I avoided the jalapeño seeds on this side half because I didn’t want it to be too spicy (remember, we’re adding jalapeño slices later anyway) and also because I didn’t have a shaker, so my hand would have to get really close to the oil and the oil is like SUUUUUUUPER angry at you for cooking it at this point, so it’s freaking the fuck out and jumping everywhere. So now pull your sleeves down as far as they can go and try not to burn your hands off of your body as you press the seasoning into the steak. I think there’s a way you can avoid this step by applying the seasoning to both sides before throwing it in the pan, but I’m an idiot. So I don’t do that.
After there’s a nice brown color on the bottom part, flip the steak over. It usually only takes like a couple of minutes for the steaks I cook so don’t worry if it seems short. Just make sure it looks like steak on the bottom when you flip it. Then do the same to the other side and, when it’s done, pick it up (with a fork, not with your hands) and put it on a plate. I’ve been told that you need to let it sit for like 5-10 minutes afterwards so that the middle will cook completely, so DON’T. TOUCH. IT. I’m talking to you, me. Stop it.
At this point I put a little bit more oil in the pan and put the peppers in. NOTE TO EVERYONE ESPECIALLY ME: TRY AND GENTLY ROLL THE PEPPERS DOWN THE SIDE OF THE PAN. DON’T DROP THE PEPPERS INTO THE OIL. THAT’S STUPID, RYAN. YOU’LL BURN YOURSELF WHEN THE OIL SPLASHES OUT AT YOU, RYAN. THIS IS HOW SCIENCE WORKS, RYAN.
Leave the peppers in for like a hot sec until they look like they’re cooked, and then try and scoop them out without any of the oil. Then just heat up some soft taco shells, add some lettuce and hot sauce if you want, and go to town! It’s pretty spicy and fucking delicious, I promise. Unless you made it wrong. But if I can make it then so can you. Because I can’t really do anything.
Let me know in the comments section if you try it and especially if you somehow fixed my awful recipe into something much more awesome tasting. Though I've gotta say, I was pretty impressed with myself on this one.